Interview With Hammy Havoc of Hordasken

Starting in early 2008, Hordasken began as a hardcore band on the outskirts of Liverpool after the breakup of Hammy’s previous band. Several incidents and genres later, and the whole thing is now written, played, recorded, mastered and distributed by Hammy Havoc. As the only official member of Hordasken, Hammy Havoc is completely in charge of the musical direction of the band and assembles a touring group of musicians for live material. With Hammy Havoc about to release his single, ‘2002, A Great Year For Calendars’ as well as his full length album entitled ‘The Withdrawal‘, I had the chance to ask him a few questions about both his music and himself.

“It’s been a tough few years for me, I’ve assembled my own private studio and converted the upstairs of my home for the sake of my music. I’ve slept in a blanket with a few pillows on the floor of the studio for the past few years; Brings new meaning to ‘suffering for your art’. I’m just kidding though; Sleeping on the floor is a choice I made to save space and to make my back feel better. There was a time when I really did think that it was time pack in the whole ‘music’ thing and call it a day rather than pour more money into something that probably wouldn’t amount to a great deal other than frustration and upset. I’ve been involved in recording music since the late 1990s and made a demo at the age of ten years old with a group of friends; These CDs are still out there somewhere, good luck trying to find one. I’ll consider uploading everything I’ve ever been a part of at some point just for the simple element of nostalgia, hopefully you’ve enjoyed the small fraction I’ve uploaded thus far.”

What guitar and microphone do you use for the single?
“There’s a 1989 Fender Stratocaster in there; I’ve done a lot of modifications to it over the years to get it sounding pretty unique and feeling nice. Usually I don’t believe in electric guitars as they’re pretty tuneless, but this is the exception to the rule. There’s also an Italian acoustic guitar in there which is completely custom built for me; It’s not the greatest of instruments, but I’m very fond of the sound because it is somewhat ‘gigged’. I’ve been thinking about live stuff recently and I’ll most likely end up using my electro-acoustic Martin as it is very diverse and I’m fond of the fretboard on it. In terms of microphones, there’s a custom ribbon microphone and custom preamp made by a local musician, but of course there’s also the good old Shure SM7 in there too.”

Will or does Hordasken have an official Facebook page?
“There is indeed an official Facebook page for Hordasken. Only started it on August 17th, so we don’t have many fans of it yet, but you can find it here: I’m not much of a fan of Facebook; I view it as a trend which just like MySpace, will eventually die when people jump onto the next trendy social network which lets them import all of their old data via the API system. Facebook seems like a very temporary and very crude social network to me and I think the idea of using it for all of your communications and networking is a very poor decision, although it does give some very rough analytics for your fanbase. Though I think I could tell you more about my fanbase with a quick look at my Twitter timeline than a look at the Facebook statistics.”

Is there anyone in your life right now that inspires the majority of your music?
“I would have to say Brendan B. Brown; He has been a huge influence on my life in both music and lifestyle choice.”

As a young independent artist, what, other than funding, is the greatest problem that you face whilst trying to get your music heard?
“The biggest problem is probably people not taking me seriously and believing that they can exploit me just because I’m younger than most other people in this field. Fact of the matter is, I’ve probably had more experience in the past five years in terms of the music industry than most people will have in their entire lives; Everything from radio to production to recording, I’ve seen it all and heard it all. I’ve had several major label opportunities over the last few months and rejected them all as I like doing things my way.”

What are you most looking forward to after the single has been released?
“I’m looking forward to getting out on the road and gigging with close friends again as well as people that inspire me. It’s been several years since the last concert that I was the one performing at. It’ll be nice to see faces from Twitter! I owe a lot of hugs and high fives to my followers. Once I’m done touring? Um, probably the fact that I’ll have plenty of fellow music artists to collaborate with. I daresay being out on the road will give me some more inspiration for material too.”

Who was your greatest influence growing up?
“Definitely my father, Stuart Routledge, several people reading this might know him as ‘Timehammer’. He’s a great man and if I’m anything like him when I’m that old then I’ll be more than happy. He encourages me to acquire knowledge, learn new skills and monetize it. My mother, Judith Desrosiers (née Malaney) encouraged me to embrace my creativity. The divorce of these two big forces in my life when we moved from Eastham to Hoylake was what caused me to make the most of time alone as I had to entertain myself.”

Where do you see yourself ten years from now as far as music is concerned?
“Still rocking of course! I’m probably going to be making even more music than I have been for the past few years as well as doing a lot more production for other people too. Hopefully getting out on the road a lot more too!”

Why did you choose to go the independent route?
“It isn’t so much an ‘ego’ thing as some people keep pointing out to those that follow me, but more from the perspective of creative reasoning; I need to have complete creative control of my music as I know exactly where I want to go with a piece of music before I’ve even begun recording it or playing it; Other people can prove to be a real pain in the backside later down the line when it comes to the ownership of songs and just generally relying upon others. I find that it’s a lot easier to just sit down with a cup of coffee and a guitar than to organise a big gathering of any description. Besides, I’m temperamental and I will do things again and again until they’re perfect; Other people simply don’t have the patience that I do.”

Is music something you’ve always wanted to do with your life, or did you have other dreams as a child?
I’ve always wanted to make music a part of of my occupation and I’ve successfully done that for almost a decade now alongside software development, that’s where Split An Atom’s web development comes in. As a kid, I wanted to solely write software, but that didn’t always satisfy my creative urges which made me turn to music after being seriously inspired by bands like Wheatus, Sublime and Marillion.”

What advice would you give to anyone out there who wants to get into music?
“Stay away from labels; They just want to exploit you, get their money’s worth and throw you over the side when the initial influx of sales for your album has been and gone; They don’t want to nurture artists and see an artist gradually perfect their signature style, they just want more of what originally sold and what will supposedly continue to sell.

Which song best describes your lifestyle?
“A song that describes my lifestyle? That’s a pretty difficult question, but I am going to need to say Apple Trees, y’know? That one song by Eels?” Love that song, I’m a big fan of Eels.”

What’s your favourite song off of your upcoming album?
“It would certainly be ‘Beast‘ or ‘2002, A Great Year For Calendars‘. Although having said that, I have a soft spot for all of the songs on my album. I think it’s one of my favourite albums of all time because it’s done entirely the way I want it to be.”

Do you record and produce everything yourself as well as write it all?
“I do indeed, I play all of the instruments in the studio and do everything; That even includes the CD duplication and packaging. If you want a job doing properly then do it yourself, right? I’ll be pressing the vinyl soon with a friend for the single which I will be checking by hand and signing each one to show my approval for the quality of it as well as individually numbering it. I am very much a perfectionist when it comes to music and I can’t stand to crush the work of others so I record everything myself, but I take a group of musicians with me for live material or do acoustic sets on my own.”

Why do you give away your music for free?
“I wouldn’t say that I gave it away for free; I’d say that I let people sample it completely free of charge and then ‘pay what they like’. Music is a very subjective thing and music is worth different amounts to different people. It is very much a case of ‘give it away or nobody will ever hear it’. How do people know what to download illegally if they don’t even know that you exist? The world is a big place, I don’t mind if I need to give away what I spend my life creating, it’s better than it never being heard after all of the effort that I put into it. My friends in Wheatus have been a real inspiration for adopting an alternative business model; I adopted their ‘pay what you like’ business model a long while ago with my web development services; Just make it worth my while and if you enjoy it, support it, otherwise I can’t carry on creating all that I do.”

Why did you never release your demos and the like from the early 00s onwards?
“Oh, I released them within my own social circle, however I specifically requested for the music to never be copied or uploaded to the internet. Why? Mainly because I lack confidence after bullying throughout my school years at Calday Grange Grammar School and because I am a complete perfectionist. Although as you know, I’ve been releasing them through Twitter lately. Hopefully you’ve been enjoying them; I’ve been loving some of the feedback I’ve been getting.”

The demos you’ve released thus far have been wonderful! You’ve been getting donations from those alone, hopefully that’s an indicator of how well the single will do! -I hear that you have quite the vinyl collection; Are you still making additions to this?
“Of course! Vinyl is superior to the majority of digital audio formats; I am a real audiophile and I enjoy having the best quality possible. Besides, vinyl is nostalgic and extremely impressive considering how crude it is. I run the output from a magnetic cart to a pre-amp; Sounds fantastic through my Yamaha studio monitors or mahogany Denon headphones; They’ve got quite the frequency response. I’ve been an avid vinyl listener for many years, you get a piece of culture, technology and art with a vinyl record; The analog sine wave is the closest thing to actually being in the studio at the time that it was recorded, that alone is pretty special. It’s like an artist trapped in time. Amazing.”

Talk to me about concerts.
“Well, I’m planning on doing a small UK tour early next year, but I’m also planning on doing regular live HD video streams from my personal studio and accepting donations from people whilst playing what is most likely going to be an acoustic set. I figured that a lot of people want to hear my music and a lot of people want to meet me, but they won’t have the opportunity until next Summer, so I wanted to give them something personal, intimate and almost as good as the real thing. Hopefully they’ll appreciate the interactions after the show. I love my fans; They’re all my friends.”

How would you describe your fans?
“I don’t think that I could give a general description of them except ‘a family’. There are so many people from so many different backgrounds and not all of them speak English; I speak several different languages and I manage to communicate with my followers on Twitter. They all have something that connects them and it is ‘love’ and ‘music’. They might be completely different from each other, but a message of peace and happiness connects them all.”

If you chopped off all your hair and weighed it, how much do you think it would weigh?
“Good question, probably one of the most interesting things I’ve been asked, but I honestly have zero idea; I’ve never really thought about it. I relayer my hair every single day, I usually take a few grammes off every few days, but my hair grows rather quickly, thus I trim it so frequently to keep it looking healthy. I’m guessing all my hair would be pretty hefty.”

Sexual preferences?
“I have none, I don’t consider myself to be ‘straight’, ‘gay’ or ‘bisexual’. If you love a human being then you love a human being for their mind as opposed to their body. I believe that anybody can fall in love with any other human being. As opposed to ‘gay pride’ or any other type of pride march, I don’t agree with it, you should be proud to be a human being, not proud to have a sexual preference of any description as that shouldn’t matter. Love marches? That is something I would support; Self-segregation is one of the most negative concepts in the world. To be shunned from society is one thing, to remove yourself from society for these bozos is another.”

Where do you think society is going in terms of social media?
“I think we are all definitely moving towards a ‘do it yourself’ world in which people are a lot more educated in terms of software and hardware; I personally don’t see the traditional style of record labels existing in another thirty years and they’ll seem like a really outdated concept. I can see people moving away from popular social video websites like YouTube and Vimeo though. I personally think that society is going to start keeping corporations at a certain size and not allowing them to grow past a certain point. Besides, there’s no excuse for not hosting your own video in all honesty. The only benefits of hosting it on a site such as YouTube is that you get independent third party statistics, which although they’re fairly meaningless and not of much use to the average individual, they’re still an interesting thing to see. I think the future of YouTube is providing statistical proof that something was viewed x number of times, perhaps even a distributed blockchain of proof. Why? People want to retain control of their content and not allow corporations to profit from it.”

You really don’t seem to like big corporate entities, why is that?
“I dislike talentless individuals exploiting those with a lot of intelligence and skill; It happens in the record industry and it happens in every other field too. At the end of the day, your boss will almost always take a bigger salary than you although he doesn’t have the abilities that you do. That’s the way the cookie crumbles and it isn’t right. I believe in supporting people who do things in small teams and do everything by themselves without a big titan such as Google being involved, especially when it comes to promotion; If you want to impress me, get your own domain, design a kick ass site and host the video on your own server; Show that you are willing to pay for bandwidth even though YouTube is unlimited. If your content is that good then you’ll put money into it, if you’re not willing to do that then you’re not worth my time. I’ve zero respect for people with just a MySpace.”

I’ve seen photographs of you with and without glasses online; Are they a fashion statement or do you genuinely need them?
“I do indeed wear glasses for the majority of the time, but you can also catch me wearing disposable contacts from time to time, especially at concerts; There’s nothing more distracting than metal on your face when you’re moving around… Or getting your glasses embedded in your nose by a stray elbow. Messy.”

I’ll see you at a concert later this year!
“Great, I’m looking forward to it; Bring your friends along and I’ll see you on the road. Make sure to check up on on a regular basis so you can download the single when it’s released as well as the album. I’ll also be updating this on a regular basis with fresh new content and I’ll also be relaunching my clothing store next year, so be sure to keep an eye out for that so you can find some nice merch. Much love and many thanks for having me. Tata for now.”

My pleasure. I shall be sure to post up a review of the single and the album once they’re released. Adios!

Special thanks to Jeff Erickson (@Erickson222), Angela Wilson (@AngelaPangela00), Jess Nario (@whoaitsjess), Timehammer (@Timehammer), without whom, this interview would not have been possible.

Update 05/30/13: Hammy Havoc now makes music as The Orion Correlation, so be sure to check it out!

My Darling, Who Knew?

So, if you follow my blog, or know me via Twitter or Facebook. You will know that I’ve been pretty all over the place this week due to the passing of a close friend of mine. I thought it was time to blog, and answer a few questions, as well as thank a lot of you for your support.

This has probably been one of the hardest weeks of my life, and I honestly wouldn’t have got through it without the people that I still have. Each one of them mean the world to me, and I know we’ll get through this together, how cn I be so sure? Because when we have each other we can get through anything.

I’ve been falling apart this week. But the people I love have been holding me together. I still have so many questions, but I’ll never have the answer to them, and those are the things that keep me awake at night, or I’ll see her in a dream and wake up in hope that it’s real. Even now, I’ll have those moments where I convince myself that it’s not true, that it must just be a misunderstanding, or some sort of sick joke. And then it’ll hit me, that this is realand that will tear me apart all over again.

The five stages of coping with death were described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her classic book On Death and Dying in 1969. These have been abbreviated into DABDA; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance. Going by Kübler-Ross’ theory, I’d say I’ve got a touch of each of them. This is probably the most confusing thing I’ve ever dealt with. It hurts too much to accept it, but then it hurts even more to pretend that it’s not going on.

I guess I just can’t believe that she’s gone. She was one of the best friends I ever had, she was so beautiful and talented. The world has lost an amazing human being.

I want to thank the people that have been there for me since this happened, and there’s been a lot of you. So to each and every single one of you; Thank you. Thank you for contirbuting to making me feel supported enough to carry on with this, to be able to live life the way I want to, but to be there when I feel like I’m falling apart.

Hammy, I want to thank you, so much. You’ve been a huge part of my life for nine months now and you’ve supported me through everything, the little and the huge. You’ve made it safe enough for me to breathe, and I love you.

Angela, you really are like a sister to me, and I love you. You know how to make me feel better, or how to distract my mind, but even better; You knowwhen to.

Jess, you mean the world to me. You always know when I’m fronting at being okay, and you know how to make me laugh enough that I feel better. I love you, so much.

There’s so many more of you to thank, but I want each of you to know that you know how to make a young girl happy, and to keep her here. I can’t thank you enough, all of you. Seriously.

I know this blog probably doesn’t make much sense, but it’s literally just coming straight from the heart. I didn’t even plan to blog today. So thank you for trying to make sense of it anyway.

I want every person reading this to look in a mirror and repeat after me; “I love you, you’re not alone. You touch the lives of thousands of people without realising it, and there’s no-one that could ever replace you.”

I know I’ve said it before, but I honestly do care about all of you. If any of you need to talk about anything, please don’t hesitate to get in touch, and I’ll do my best to help you. Don’t suffer in silence, just ask for help, no-one will judge you for it. You can find all of my social network links in the ‘Networks’ section of the site.

So before I go, remember, I love you, as does a lot of other people. You may feel like just one person to the world. But to just one person you could bethe world.

Many thanks for reading and much love,

Baby You’re So Wrong About You

So as I said, letters will be popping up here and then, and this is one of those moments. This letter is for Lacey, if you guys read my blog yesterday you’ll know that she passed away on Monday. I’m still in shock, but these are some of the things I wish I could’ve said, and I hope that she knew.

Hello there, beautiful.

I miss you, so much already. I have a few things I want you to know, and I hope, wherever you are, you get to know them.

I’m so sorry, Lacey. Sorrier than you could possibly ever imagine. You were one of my best friends, you were one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my whole life. It tears me apart, that you felt so alone that you had to do this, that you felt like you didn’t matter. Because trust me, you did. You mattered so much. I love you Lacey Crawford, and I have done since the moment we became friends.

Remember all the MSN conversations? “I love that you use just as many emoticons as me!” We had some good times in the short time that we were in each others lives. So good that we were going to be roommates, we were going to experience so many things together, and we never went a single day without talking about them. You helped me through one of the toughest months of my life this year, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

I still remember the first time that you let me hear your music. I was so amazed by your voice. It was incredible, and still is. For the past twenty-four hours I’ve watched your youtube videos, and listened to your recordings and just cried. I cried because I love you, because I’m sorry, because I miss you, and because the world has lost one of the most talented young girls to ever walk this earth.

I still have all of our conversations, and I’ll never not have them. They’re going on a memory stick that will be kept with me wherever I go, just in case I need to hear your voice, or I forget to remember what you sound like. Because anytime I read anything you’ve wrote, I hear it as loud as day in my mind, I have since the day I first heard your voice. Your voice was one of those that just made me feel  instantly safe. You were like a sister to me, Lace. I’m never, ever going to forget you, I promise.

You always wondered who would cry if you died. Well guess what, babe. Lots of people have, lots of people miss you, and we just want you to come back to us. But, at the end of the day, I hope you’re at peace now, I really do. I hope that you’re safe from harm.

You made so many things seem so simple. Remember when I was packing my things to go to the Wheatus concert with Hammy? I was so nervous, it was ridiculous. You laughed with me, and promised me that everything would be okay, and you were right. You weren’t just my best friend, you were Hammy’s too, and although all three of us had our silly little arguments, or we got mad at each other. You were, and still are one of the closest friends we’ve ever had. Thank you for being part of our lives, thank you for having an impact on us.

Do you remember when I bought those candles that were being kept until we had our own house together? Well, I’ve been burning one of them since the moment I heard you were gone, and it’s still going, it’s burning brighter than it ever has, just like your soul continues to shine. You were Lacey, You were beautiful, talented, kind, loving and hilarious. I miss my Oompy, I really do.

The last time I spoke to you was on my birthday, and that really made my birthday special. I was just too stubborn to tell you that at the time, trust me, I’m kicking myself now. We spoke about my tattoo and you told me you loved it. I’ve been thinking all day to day, what I could get that will last forever as a reminder of you. And I was going to get just a simple music note behind my ear. But, I’ve decided to get the tattoo you dreamed of getting, y’know, the Love Never Fails one? Because honey, it doesn’t. We all love you, and we always have. I hope that you like it when it’s finished, it’s going to be the next one I get.

Remember when you downloaded all of Wheatus and P!nk’s discographies? Just because Hammy and I spoke about them so much? I loved that day, I  think that’s when I realised just how much we all meant to each other.

Month after month we shared music, laughter, happiness, sadness, tears, anger, every possible emotion out there. But do you know the one emotion that’s always going to be there for you Lacey? Love.

I know we had lost contact, but somehow I still felt like you were in my life. I still wanted you to share so much of it with me. I wanted you to be part of my family when I had my own. I wanted you to share my life with me as one of my best friends. I just wanted you to be happy.

I hope to see you in my dreams, it’ll give me a chance to tell you all of this. I hope you’ve got the happiness and peace you deserve. And I hope that wherever you are, you’re with loved ones. Tell Brad to look after you, I know he did while he was here.

I’m not going to say goodbye, because I know I’ll see you again one day. So just like you said when you were moving back home; I’ll talk to you later, sweetie. Take care and have sweet dreams.

I love you.
All my love, Chrisselle. ♥

I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their kind words. Lacey was loved by more people than she could have ever wished. She touched more lives than she could imagine. And I just wish that I could have made her realise this before it was too late. I’ll always be sorry that I didn’t.

On Monday the 15th of November 2010, this world lost one of the most beautiful and talented souls to ever grace this planet. Rest in peace Lacey Crawford, you’re going to be deeply missed.

Much love and thanks for reading.

In Memory Of Lacey Crawford

Today I found out that Lacey Crawford, aged 20, passed away yesterday morning. Now, if you know me, you know that Lacey and I had our differences and hadn’t spoken for months apart from a few brief tweets in September on my nineteenth birthday. I don’t care what happened. All I care about is that a beautiful, talented young soul felt like she wasn’t enough. But honestly? She was one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

The first time we spoke she complimented my eyeliner. And then we laughed about how I walked into someone in the store and screamed. We then became really close, really quickly. She helped me through a lot of tough times, and I just wish I had been there to help her through this.

We had so much in common, we even had a secret language.  She made my tummy hurt for three days once, because she made me laugh so much. I remember this one time we were looking at flats and houses that we would consider renting and the most important thing to her was that we had a pretty kitchen. I remember every silly little detail about this girl. She loved clouds, they were her favourite weather apparently.  She adored Hayley Williams and Lacey Mosely. She loved The Used and got to meet them when she went to their show a few  months ago now, I remember her being so excited about it. She downloaded P!nk’s entire back catalog, because I loved her so much and she wanted to be involved in that somehow. She helped me pack for my week in Liverpool, and calmed me down before I freaked out about how nervous I was. She brought some of my lyrics to life with her beautiful voice and incredible talent. She brought me to life.

People that didn’t really speak to Lacey, but followed her on Twitter or whatever, didn’t know her. Lacey was so much more than she let on to be. She was so incredibly gifted, and such a beautiful person.

Lacey, even after everything. I want you to know that Hammy and I still care about you, we still love you and we’ll never, ever forget about you. You were the person we sang Wheatus with when you were drunk. Remember the first time we stayed on Skype for like 17 hours? Just you, Hammy and I? How much our tummy hurt from laughing? Or making fun of your creepy landlord. I can’t even begin to list the amount of memories we have with you. You’ve had a huge impact on our lives, and you’ll always be remembered for being one of the best friends we could have asked for.

Thank you, Lace. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life with me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for loving. Thank you for everything, I wouldn’t be who I am if you hadn’t have moulded me in some way.

I’m so sorry that you felt like you had to do that to yourself. I wish you’d have known how much we cared about you, how much a lot of people cared about you.

Lacey, when we parted ways, you said “Okay, I’ma just say ttyl. NOT GOODBYE.” And I’m going to hold you to that, we’ll meet again one day, and I’ll give you that hug that was going to knock you off of your feet.

Sleep well. Sweet dreams and I love you.

Welcome To My Life

Hey there guys. So I’ve been absent the past couple of days because of personal things, so I thought it was time to update you all on my life. The past four posts have been letters so I thought it was time for a personal entry. Also, I know I said I’d be writing a letter every day for seven days, but I’ve decided to just write them at random from now on so you can expect a few letters popping up here and then.

Well, it’s Sunday today, and I have hardly anything to do so I thought I might work on some lyrics seeing as I’ve not really wrote lately. I’ll be writing a song with Hammy Havoc of Hordasken soon, I’m really excited about this. I’d say that Hammy is definitely one of my lyrical, I guess you could say, role models? He writes so honestly and I love it. So yehp pretty excited about that!

I spent last night with my friends Taylor, Claire, Jamie, Kirsten & Scott. We were out to see our towns Christmas lights get switched on. It was so good to just be ourselves and chill. We watched some fireworks, grabbed some food, but more importantly, laughed so much that it hurt. It’s days like that, that make me realise just how lucky I am to have the people that I do.

I have people that are always there no matter the time, just for a conversation about anything. They make it worthwhile and I love them for it. They have no idea just how amazing they are. And I’m not just talking about the people I spent last night with. I’m talk about every single person in my life. Even you that’s reading this. This could be your first visit to my blog, but you’re still a wonderful person. You took the time out of your own life to see what was going on in mine, and for that I’m thankful.

I know I’ve said this before, but it’s time for me to stop letting things get to me. I’m always down this time of year because my Gran is no longer with us. But I know exactly what she would say if she was here, she’d tell me to cheer up and smile because she was such a happy person. She was a breath of fresh air to anyone she met. I don’t think there was one human being on this planet that didn’t like my grandmother. She was so loving and caring. And I guess, I want to be just like her. She was my best friend, and she’s still the person I turn to when all hope has left me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t let the bad outweigh the good in your life. There’s so many people that love you and the only thing they want is for you to be happy. Always remember that it could be so much worse. Sometimes life gives us something that we think is impossible, just to prove to us that we’re not as weak as we once thought. You’re stronger than you realise. How do I know? Well, you’re still breathing, and that’s an accomplishment in itself.

Thanks for reading and much love,

And If You Believe In Desperate Songs

H’okay. So I said that I was going to be writing letters every single day.. And I have been. But my internet was out for the past few days, so today you’re going to get spammed with letters. I hope you enjoy ‘em!

This one’s for Hammy LeCube Havoc, and even though I emailed him it yesterday, he deserves one publicly too.

Dear Hammy,
I can’t believe I’ve only known you for nine months. It honestly feels like a lifetime. I can’t remember you not being in my life, it’s crazy. Since day one, you’ve always been there for me. Every single time that I’ve needed a shoulder to cry one, you’ve offered yours, and I can’t thank you enough for it.

Speaking of thanks, I have a few things I feel the need to thank you for; Thank you for making me laugh and smile every single day for a whole nine months. Thank you for being honest, and not afraid to share your opinion with the world. Thank you for standing by me through everything. Thank you for making my summer. Thank you for the site, and everything else you’ve done for me. Thank you for writing, producing, and vocalising such amazing, inspiring music. Thank you for helping me make my dreams happen. Basically? Thank you for being you.

You’re such an amazing human being, not only do you stand up for your friends and family, you stand up for so many things that go unrecognised. You’re so incredibly talented, like, words cannot describe how talented you are. You’re one of the most loyal, caring and loving people to ever enter my life, and I know for a fact that you’re always going to be in my life.

I’ve told you so many times before just how much you mean to me, but honestly words cannot describe it. I’m absolutely honoured to have you in my life, and other people should be too. You deserve so much happiness and I hope that I can help you achieve it.

You’re an inspiration to me. You’re so strong, it actually amazes me. We have so many memories together, and each one of them makes me smile. I can’t wait to see you again and watch some epic TV shows whilst eating some amazing food. I know it’s going to be epic.

So yeah, basically; Thank you for being in my life. Never ever forget that you’re an amazing person and that people are lucky to have you. You mean the world to a lot of people, including me. I love you, and never forget, I’m always here if you ever need me.

All my love, Chrisselle. <3

Ms. Wilson You Must Be Worth A Trillion Bucks

So continuing on from yesterday with the week of letters to people that mean the world to me; This time it’s my best friend, Miss Angela Lynn Wilson.

Hello Pretty Lady!
I think there’s a few things you need to know, so how about you grab some Taco Bell and sit down and read this?

I love you, so, so much. You really are like a sister to me. We have so much in common, yet we’re different enough from each other to not piss each other off. You always give me amazing advice. You seriously mean the world to me, missy.

You’re so incredibly beautiful, and strong, and talented. Seriously, you make people laugh with your YouTube videos, and touch peoples hearts with your epic writing skills. You’re amazing Angela and if anyone tells you different, I’m not afraid to tell them just how little I think of them, and just how much they’re wrong.

You make everyday enjoyable, and never fail to put a smile on my face even when I’m convinced that I hate the world and everything that it stands for.

I love our little girly moments where we gush about music, movies and shoes. I love that I can come to you when I’m looking for an outfit and you’ll give me your honest opinion. I love that your taste is so similar to mine.

I honestly cannot wait to meet you. It’s going to be amazing, we’re going to drink so much hot chocolate and eat so much chinese food and pizza that you’ll never want to leave. And that will make me super happy in my pants.

Your strength, understanding, humour, heck, everything about you inspires me. You’re amazing, if you haven’t already noticed.

I want to thank you for introducing me to Jeremy and Michael. They’re both lovely guys and you all have the most epic friendship, it’s adorable. I love you guys!

I don’t know what else to say really apart from; You want to be extraordinary? Go look in a mirror, you’re already there.

I love you, twin.
All my love, Chrisselle. ♥

So yehp, there’s the letter for today. I love Angela, you should check out her blog over at Pangela.Com.

In other news, I’m getting new shoes soon and this excites me. I’m also extremely tired! So I think that’s all from me.

Much love, and many thanks for reading!

You Are The One Who Lies Close To Me

So the original plan was to write a new blog every day of November. But, yesterday instead of writing a blog I redone the pages of the site. So if you have a look at the sections to the left of this blog you’ll see some changes in the About and Biography sections, and you’ll notice a brand new section called Networks where you’ll find the links to all my social networks as well as the link for the RSS feed of my blog if you would like it.

The new plan? To try and blog every day of November again! Today I’ve spent all day watching movies and not really doing anything productive apart from making myself happy and taking a day to just be by myself.

I think everyone needs one of those days. Y’know the kind where you wake up at a ridiculous time, stay in your sweats and under the covers and only get out of bed to get food or change the movie? Those days where you just focus on yourself and making your mood improve with some silly movies.

Today it really feels like winter, like Christmas is just around the corner. And it makes me want to do nothing but exactly what I described, with the person I love. The festive season is all about spending time with the people  that mean the world to you, whether it be friends, family, or that special someone.

It’s a time for just being together and focusing on the love that you have in your life, and I guess I’ve not really been doing that lately. I’ve been letting other things get on top of me and it’s time for that to stop. I have so many amazing people in my life and they deserve a happy Chrisselle.

I can’t thank the people I have in my life enough for how much love and support they show me.  No matter what they’ve stood by me and been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. They mean the world to me and it’s time that they were the focus of my life instead of the bad things.

What I’m going to do over the nest few days is post blogs that are actually letters to the people who mean the world to me. They deserve to know how much they mean to me. So today? Today this letter is for the one person who is my absolute everything, they know who they are.

Sweetie, I don’t think there will ever be a point where you know just how much you mean to me. You’re my world and you make everything safe. Knowing that I can come to you when I’m upset and you’ll reassure me that life is going to be good makes me happier than you could ever imagine, heck, you make me happier than you could ever imagine.

I can’t put into words just how much I love you. It’s like, when I think of the intensity of my love for you, everything else seems so small, even the biggest things that upset me seem so little in comparison to the absolute, blissful happiness you give me.

Please never think that you’re nothing, because you’re everything. You’re so incredible and you don’t even realise it. We have so many amazing memories, and I can’t wait to make more with you.

I miss you, so much when we aren’t together. I miss your smile, the feel of your hand in mine, the touch of your lips on my lips. I miss how we just randomly giggle at the silliest things. I miss snuggling up just before we fall asleep and talking about nothing in particular, or just laying there staring at the ceiling with your arms around me and my head on your chest. I miss cuddling up in the cold and you kissing my forehead. I miss how when you leave the room for even just two minutes, when you come back you sneak up behind me and wrap your arms around me whilst leaving a gentle kiss on my neck. I miss you.

I could list the reasons I love you, but I would be here for days listing new thing after new thing. You amaze me, literally. You’re so much more talented than you give yourself credit for. You’re so smart and clever. And you don’t even realise just how many people love you.

You’re my world, never, ever forget that I love you. Because this isn’t just forever and always, it’s infinity.

All my love, Chrisselle. ♥

So yeah, this begins the week of letters. I don’t know how many people will read these, and it doesn’t really matter. As long as the person it’s for reads it. Because every person that gets one of these should know that they mean the world to me. And I never want to lose any of you.

Much love and many thanks for reading.

Remember, Remember The 5th Of November

November,  it’s the first month after British summer time ends. It’s the month that we set off fireworks in celebration of a man who tried to blow up the houses of parliament being murdered. It’s the month where a little bear called Pudsey raises money for kids that are in need. It’s the month where we have a minute silence to remember those that fought for us. But for me? For me November is a constant reminder of the month my Gran got diagnosed with a life threatening illness. It’s a reminder that life is short, and that anything you have can be taken away from you, just like that. It’s one of the hardest months for me. Yet, it’s one that I plan to make the most of.

There’s no-one that could ever possibly take my Grandmothers place. She was beautiful, inside and out and she was the most adorable woman I’ve ever met. Every weekend we would go and stay at her and my grandfathers place for the entire weekend and as soon as we arrived she would have a spread of sandwiches, biscuits, cakes etc. laid out for us. Not only that, she would have a lovely three course, homemade meal waiting in the oven to be served. She never let anyone go hungry. She was one of those lovely adorable old women that you see, y’know the ones that you know have a huge family that love her to pieces. My grandmother was my first ever best friend. She was my best friend until I was seven, which is when she sadly passed away after trying to fight off the horrible illness that is cancer. She was diagnosed in the November of 1998 and died shortly after. My mother and I stayed with her to help her out a little, and I’ll never forget that week or two that I spent with her. She ended up dying of a heart attack, minutes before it happened she told my grandfather to remember and call this person and that person, so she knew she was leaving us. She died in her living room, in me, my mother, and my grandfathers arms. It’s one of those things that I’ll never forget, and I can still see it clear as day in my mind.

Every November is hard for me, not only do I have this on my mind but I also have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)  which means my mood is affected by the weather. So if my mood is all over the place recently, I’m sorry. But I honestly can’t help it. I’ve dealt with the same thing for twelve years now, it’s anything but easy. If I could be happy all the time, trust me I would be. And I know that that’s what my gran would want me to be, but sometimes it just isn’t possible.

Recently it’s been really hard. I’ve been doing what I usually do, taking it out on myself. I’ve been waking up and finding something new to hate about myself. Right now? It’s my legs, tummy and actually, it’s my entire body. Like, I want to wake up in a completely different body. I want to wake up as me, but in a body that I don’t feel sick when I look at. It sounds like every other girl out there, but you cannot fathom just how much I dislike my looks. Like just talking about it makes me want to sleep for a few weeks.

They say it gets easier. It doesn’t. You don’t forget the pain, instead? Instead you learn to deal with it. You learn to cope with the crushing feeling in your heart, the sinking feeling in your stomach. The feeling that you’re going to burst into tears at any moment. Yeah, it becomes part of your daily routine, and you manage to be happy, to smile, to laugh to enjoy life. But you never, ever forget how it feels to lose that someone who meant, and still does mean the world to you. I was seven years old, my gran was my world. I lost her.

If anything the thing that gets me through is her memory, and how happy she made everyday spent with her. And that’s the thing I live by now. Instead of just living, why don’t you make an impact. Make an impact in someone’s life. And you may be sitting there thinking “I’m nothing that spectacular, how can I make an impact in someone’s life without being extraordinary?” I’ll tell you how.

You can make  a huge impact in someone’s life just by being you. All you have to do is be the person that they love you for. A simple “How’re you?” can make someone’s day. Smiling at a stranger could make them have a positive outlook on a day that was heading downhill. You never know just how much of an impact something you say or do can have on someone else.

A simple few words can make or break someone’s day. A look, can make someone feel like a million dollars, or like the dirt on your shoe. It’s simple. Every single person to walk this earth has an impact on someone, make yours count.

Much love, and many thanks for reading.

Party Crasher, Panty Snatcher

I’ve been sitting looking at this blank ‘Add New Post’ screen for around half an hour now, in this time I’ve had a conversation with Hammy, watched the new P!nk video for Raise Your Glass and read the memorable quotes section on Friends’ IMDB page. But, do you wanna know something? I’ve been doing it all with a huge smile on my face.

I really do have the most amazing people in my life, and I know that everyone thinks that about the people they love, and they’re right to. The people that you love are all perfect for you in some way or another. I mean, maybe they make you smile when you feel like you could destroy something. Or maybe they’re completely honest with you even if they know that the truth is going to hurt a little. Or maybe, maybe they’re just always there and always know the exact right thing to say to make you feel better. The people I love? They do all of that and more. They save my life every day, and i love and thank them so much for it.

This is kind of just a really personal blog about my view on life. It probably won’t make an impact on yours, but hey, at least it’s giving you entertainment for five minutes, right? I don’t know what I’m going to say, and I don’t know if it will make any sense to you guys, but I guess. I’m happy, and I want the people that have read about all of my ups and downs to know about it!

Something I really have to do is thank you guys! The amount of hits I get each month never fails to surprise me. It baffles me that so many of you find my site interesting enough to come back again and again. But it also pleases me a ridiculous amount! I love each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. <3

I spent Monday with my adorable baby niece Isla and it was just so lovely to be able to spend some one on one time with her. It amazes me how much she’s grown both mentally and physically in just six months.  It’s scary yet wonderful to think that one day down the line a little person just like her is going to depend completely on me and it’s father. What’s even scarier is that I’ll be completely responsible for a living, breathing being. That really does scare me  a little. But then, the wonderful totally outweighs the scary. I love how this is making me sound pregnant, I’m not pregnant, don’t worry. So anyway, next subject?

I saw a YouTube video last night by my friend, Devon. It was about how she wanted people to talk to her if they were upset, depressed, angry anything like that. So I guess, what I have to say is that, if you ever feel like you have no-one, even if we hardly speak, don’t hesitate to talk to me about what you’re going through. You never know, it might just help. You might feel like nothing but trust me, you’re someone’s world whether you know it or not. You’re saving someone’s life just by breathing, never think you’re not good enough.

I have a new site for you guys to check out too, it’s not another of mine, but it’s the blogging site of one of my best friends, Angela. So how about you all pop over to Pangela.Com and have a look? I love her writing and think that even though she’s still on her way to ‘becoming extraordinary’.. she’s always been extraordinary to me.

Also, Hordasken.Com is now online it’s getting changed almost daily, with updates and new sections. How about you go over there and make a profile on the social section? Let’s be friends! Hordasken’s single will be out shortly, in the meantime why not enjoy one of the old demos? Not Bulletproof. This music makes my soul happy, and I’m so proud of Hammy, he’s doing this all on his own, seriously so proud.

I don’t think that I have all that much more to say, and I know that this blog is pretty much pointless. But I just felt the need to write. I hope you all know and remember that you’re all beautiful and I hope you guys have a wonderful November! Remember if you’d like to help out with Children In Need, feel free to check out the previous blog entitled Show Your Spots, Let’s Raise Lots! Or you can simply email me at [email protected].

Much love, and many thanks for reading.