Hello strangers, it’s been a while hasn’t it?
What a whirlwind these past four years have been. Moving to glasgow, completing my HND in photography and taking a ‘gap year’.
Or rather, that was the plan. What actually happened was the best year of my life. I got a promotion at the job I’d done for three summers, a promotion that will hopefully help lead me to my dream of being a teacher. I got married – MARRIED! An actual adult, you could say. And then something really surprised us – we became parents to a beautiful little girl named Hallie. She astounds me every day with something new that she does, or what she smiles at.
Right now, I’m having the first bath I’ve had in four years. I promise I’ve showered in between, but our boiler wasn’t great when we moved in and we couldn’t run a bath because of it – we got it fixed when I was pregnant, but I was too pregnant to trust my ability to get in or out of the bath and since Hallie’s came along, time to myself is something that rarely happens. Right now, for example I’m listening to her cry from the other room and I’m fighting every urge in me to go to her and just take this time for me. (She’s perfectly fine, her daddy is feeding her but she’s a greedy baby and doesn’t like having to stop for burps)
Out of all of these changes, I’d say that parenthood is definitely the hardest – for a good few reasons. Don’t get me wrong, that little face makes me happier than anyone on this planet could, but I kind of miss being ‘Chrisselle’, as much as I love being ‘Mummy’.
A funny thing happens the moment you become pregnant. People start treating you differently, they ask you questions that are far too personal – “will you breastfeed?” was a favourite for those around me – they treat you like you’re about to break at any moment, they stop inviting you to things because you’ll most likely be too tired to go to them (but hey, an invite is always nice), and they will comment on your body for nine whole months. “Oh you’ve not gained much weight!”, “You don’t even look pregnant” or “Jeez, your bump has grown!” All become things you hear daily. Suddenly you aren’t just you anymore. You’re you plus bump.
And don’t get me wrong, I loved being pregnant. Hallie gave me a fairly easy time of it with no morning sickness and no weird cravings, but it was during my pregnancy that I started losing myself. I’m positive I’m not the only Mum who feels that way, but it’s true and scary. You’ve spent your life becoming this person, and suddenly you’re no longer them.
Then baby comes along, and suddenly you’re responsible for this tiny little human who depends on you for everything – even though you’re in such a blur that you’re not sure if you even remembered to bring the correct baby home from the hospital.
Hallie is 12 weeks old now – almost three months and this is the first time I’m taking time for me, for my head. My head struggles with normal life – as most of you who have read this blog before will know, but it’s been struggling a bit more since all of these changes and I need to start taking time for myself to make sure I’m looking after it.
(A fantastic quote from the ever fabulous Rae Earl and her book It’s All in Your Head – which I will hopefully review soon!)
This quote is something I need to remember. I need to remember that to be the best mummy, wife, friend, sister or daughter then I need to be the best version of me. There’s a few things that I want to do to make time for my head. I want to learn to drive (finally!), I want to get back into exercise and I want to blog. I want to be able to write again, and have those quiet moments of just my music and my keyboard as I empty my head.
I guess this post is a quick update, and a public promise to myself to stick to these things. Even if I only stick to one of them, and even if that’s just blogging, I feel like it may just make my head that little bit clearer.
I hope that you guys will join me on these new blogs, and that the life of a mummy and wife doesn’t prove boring for you. I hope you’re all well, and that this shiny new year holds everything you could hope for.
For now though, my bath is getting cold and I think I’d much rather be wrapped in a blanket, cup of tea in one hand and baby in the other.
Chrisselle Douglas x