Life has a its own special way of chewing us up and spitting us out, doesn’t it?
The past seven months of my life has been some of the toughest of my life. Maybe that’s why I’ve took such a long break from blogging– I find it hard to share the tough things with people. I guess I’ve just grown up in an environment where I’ve had to be strong for others and find it scary to drop that wall enough to allow myself to rely on other people being strong for me.
Don’t worry, I haven’t brought you here to listen to me rant about the past seven months of my life, quite the contrary actually. I wanted to share something with you guys. A lesson, if you will, that life has thrown at me.
Seven months ago, the littlest things in life seemed like a chore. Hardly eating or sleeping, socializing was one of the last things on my mind. I just wanted to be left in my bedroom, rarely socializing with even my family and close friends. And even when it came to that, it felt like a lot of the time, the smile on my face was painted there. A mask, unnatural and not a part of me.
Over time however, things changed. I realised I had two choices: I could let this thing break me, or I could turn it around and allow it to make me, and, I’d like to think I took the second option.
I’m more determined than ever to make my life work out the way I planned and that means focusing my energy on the things that mean the world to me. Family, friends, Don’t Lose Your Grip, Previous, my photography and Split An Atom. I’m going to make the things I put my life into succeed, even if it’s the last thing I do.
The only thing holding me back is my feelings towards myself. I’ll have an epiphany moment where I’ll think ‘fuck it’ and feel confident, but then my insecurities will creep up again. I guess the next big thing I need to focus on is self love, which has never been a strong point of mine. I’m trying to get myself back into the mindset of being happy with the person I’ve grew into. And for the majority, I am. I’ve been through a lot of tough moments in my life, and I’ve come out fighting. I have educated opinions on the things I’m passionate about and I’m strong enough to stand by them. But there always has been, and for now, always will be that niggling voice in the back of my head telling me I’m not good enough and don’t deserve the good things I have.
I guess what I need to do is realise that if I didn’t deserve the good things I have, then I simply wouldn’t have any of them. I have an incredibly supportive circle of friends and family, which I’m thankful for everyday. They’re the people that have gotten me through the tough times when I’ve not been able to cope. They’re the people that know every fear I have, and still know the things to do and say to calm me. They’re the people that I can spend hours in silence with, and it not be at all awkward because they know I’m thankful for their company whether we’re laughing and joking, or sitting in silence watching a movie. They’re the people that have always been there, and the people I’ll always be there for.
My plan now is to make them proud– If they can see all this good in me, then why can’t I? Why do I insist on holding myself back with this fear of failure or embarrassment? This year will be the year I finally accept myself for who I am, just like all the wonderful people that I’m blessed to know do.
Much love and many thanks for reading.