Day 5 – A Kiss With A Fist

Hey there guys! I noticed that #100FactsAboutMe is trending on Twitter so I thought that instead of bombarding my followers with 100 boring tweets I would incorporate it into Day Five of Thirty Days Of Blogs, aren’t you guys lucky! /sarcasm. But first, I’m going to tell you guys about my eventful, yet uneventful weekend.

So on Saturday, I decided that I was going to have a day off. Now, that may seem ridiculous to you guys considering I work at home and don’t actually physically do much apart from check on my dad a few times a week and spend time with loved ones or run errands. But trust me.. organizing a fundraiser and dealing with personal things as well as working on some other projects generates enough stress to leave you psychologically drained enough to feel like you’ve ran a 5K marathon every day of the week! The relaxing day didn’t go exactly to plan I ended up getting bored and working on some designs for DLYG and doing some other things too.

On Saturday night, though, I went out with some friends who I’ve not seen in too long. And all in all it was an enjoyable evening, having not seen these guys in what had felt like years it was nice just to have a conversation with them and a hug at the end of the night. The cocktails and Morgans Spiced was just a bonus! And it was a chance for me to wear my white dress that I love so much. It was a nice night, and it was a nice reminder that I always have friends I can count on.

 

The ‘white dress’ in question!

 

 

So now that I‘ve told you about my weekend, it‘s on to the 100 Facts About Me, I‘m warning you now, it‘s not pretty. And it‘ll probably take you forever to read. But if you want to know me, and I mean really know me. Then you should probably read these.

100 (probably boring) facts about me.

1. It takes me longer to trust someone than it does to forget someone.
2. I’m nowhere near close to being completely happy with myself.
3. I block people out, not because I’m scared to let them in, but because I hate admitting I need help.
4. I put other people’s happiness before my own.
5. I’m not afraid to be honest about myself until people ask more questions.
6. I don’t like being controlled.
7. I won’t let someone talk down to me.
8. If you hurt me once, chances are I’ll never forget it.
9. I remember insults longer than I do compliments.
10. The only material things that mean something to me are photos.
11. I don’t like money because it brings out the worst in people.
12. “I‘m disappointed in you” hurts me more than “I hate you”
13. Very few people know my weaknesses.
14. I hate depending on anyone.
15. I get bored when someone goes on and on about the same thing constantly.
16. If you break my trust once, I’ll never trust you completely again.
17. I hold grudges, although I wish I didn’t.
18. I hate stereotypes.
19. I miss the innocence of being a kid.
20. Stress makes me feel self-destructive.
21. My big sister, Fiona, is the only person that knows everything I’ve been through.
22. I used to drink myself stupid every weekend until January ’10.
23. I hate that I can tell you the alcohol content on a ridiculous amount of beverages.
24. I wish I didn’t know what a hangover felt like.
25. I’m terrified of vomiting, because I’m not in control of my body.
26. I’ve tried to commit suicide.
27. I broke a promise to myself last year. The promise was to never cut again. I cut once.
28. I don’t know how to deal with my anger.
29. If you screw me over, you’ll lose any respect I had for you.
30. Bitchy comments do nothing but annoy me.
31. If you don’t like me, I’d rather you told me.
32. I hate feeling like I’m ‘tolerated’.
33. In my eyes, I’m nothing special. Even though I get told that I’m ‘stuck up’ a lot.
34. Knowing that people get help from my blogs makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile.
35. I’m still learning how to live.
36. I don’t consider myself to be ‘strong’.
37. I used to stop breathing in my sleep.
38. I hate the feeling of fainting, again because I’m not in control.
39. I suffer from OCD and insomnia as well as depression.
40. I’m not ashamed of suffering from any of the above.
41. I’d rather bottle things up than bring people down, although I know it’s not healthy.
42. I never take my own advice.
43. I don’t know where I want to be next month, but I know where I want to be in ten years.
44. I need to be able to look forward to something.
45. I plan things months in advance, but somehow I still manage to be rushing at the last minute.
46. I’m trying really hard to make this about me, and not about how much people mean to me.
47. I find listing things about myself hard, and have no idea how I’m going to get to 100 facts.
48. I feel like a burden to almost everyone I know.
49. I well up at the mere mention of my grandmother.
50. If you insult the memory of my grandmother in anyway, chances are you’ll lose my respect.
51. I never knew my fathers parents.
52. I miss being seventeen. Simply because I felt like I was living without a care in the world.
53. I’m proud of being Scottish, but I’m not patriotic. I know my country has flaws; Everywhere does.
54. I like when someone asks how I’m feeling, and it feels like they actually care about the reply.
55. I fight more with my mom than any other family member, but I would still give my life for her.
56. I’m terrified of my dad dying.
57. I don’t know one person that will know every fact on this list.
58. I’ve not accepted the fact that Lacey is dead yet, it doesn’t feel real to me.
59. I hate the fact that I eat meat, yet I’ve failed more times than I can count at being a vegetarian.
60. I can’t walk past a homeless person without giving them money.
61. I miss talking to @carleyvanessa about everything, and not being ashamed of breaking down.
62. I miss high school. Not just the people, but I miss learning so much in a day.
63. Modern studies, art and English were my favourite subjects at school.
64. I hate my body, but I refuse to feel inferior to someone who loves theirs.
65. I’m more complicated than you first think.
66. My temper scares me.
67. I can’t stand people that try to make you feel worthless.
68. Nothing hurts me more than seeing my father cry.
69. I’m not ashamed of the person I am.
70. I forget to eat a lot of the time.
71. The thing that scares me about dying is how the people I love would deal with it.
72. Waking up with my boyfriend makes me feel blissfully happy.
73. I’m trying to forget the fact that hundreds of people are going to read this.
74. I don’t care if you judge me.
75. I believe in spirituality, not because I’m religious, but because I miss people that have passed away.
76. Being told my gran was proud of me was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
77. I’m not afraid to have an opinion.
78. I think about suicide at least twice a week, in detail. And it scares me.
79. I suffer from paranoia.
80. Sitting beside the motorway for even ten minutes clears my mind.
81. I’d give my life in an instant for my nieces and nephew.
82. I resent the fact that I get to breathe every second of every day, but my nephew didn’t even get to take his first breath.
83. I support the rights of unborn babies.
84. The Bucket List is the most inspirational movie I’ve ever seen.
85. I didn’t realise how close I was to my sister until she moved out.
86. I can count the people that I know I can trust with my fingers.
87. My train of thought confuses me.
88. I’m terrified of dying in a traffic accident.
89. I no longer have my tonsils.
90. I’m scared for future generations.
91. I wasn’t scared of childbirth until this year.
92. I watch TV when I need to clear my mind.
93. I’m overwhelmed that people actually listen to the words I write.
94. I miss writing lyrics, but can’t seem to write anything worthwhile these days.
95. I miss playing a musical instrument.
96. I want to home school my kids.
97. I’m terrified of being a bad parent.
98. I’ve surprised myself with this list.
99. Kisses on the forehead automatically make me smile.
100. I’ve never loved someone the way I love my boyfriend.

So there you have it. And now instead of boring you anymore, I’m going to go. Have a great week, and don’t forget to smile.

Much love and huge hugs,
Chrisselle

Day Four – Chasing Down The Sunset

As you guys know, I’ve been kind of absent the past week or so. But the reason for that is because I have been so busy, busy with both personal things and work related issues.

Recently everything’s been all over the place, emotions included. I think with the recent devastation in Japan everyone’s really been hit to the core of just how important life is. I just want to quickly mention that my heart goes out to everyone affected, whether it be directly or because you have family or friends that have been harmed. My thoughts are with you all.

I’ve been all over the place personally too, I don’t know why. I think it’s just with the whole coming home from Liverpool thing. I miss last week, I miss two weeks ago, I miss three weeks ago. I miss being able to do what I like, when I wanted to. I guess I miss the freedom of doing what makes me happy, and of course I miss everyone down there with all of my heart.

I’ve been trying to spread myself out so that everyone can have some time with me, and I’ve hardly had time for me. But I’ve loved it, I’ve loved being productive, the only thing I’ve not loved is the sheer stress of it all. But thankfully I’ve got amazing people in my life that talk me down when I’m too stressed. I love every single  one of them.

So yeah, this is just a short post really to give you all an update, and to apologize  for being distant. I thought I’d also let you guys know what’s helping me cope with all this stress and keeping me sane!

These are the websites that are always in my most visited, talented and inspiring young people for you to check out!

HammyHavoc.Com@hammyhavoc‘s personal website where you can keep up to date with all the news from Havoc studios also including Hammy’s personal blog.

Pangela.Com @AngelaPangela00‘s blog and the home of my latest interview about @dontloseurgrip.

Clikyz.Com@hammyhavoc and @fanboycraig’s clothing store. Who doesn’t love some retail therapy?! So stoked for my Bloody Medic Now! shirt!

PreviousMagazine.ComGreat site whether you want the latest news on fashion, art or even food. Also home to an other interview about #DLYG.

And last but not least, you should check out the changes over on the Don’t Lose Your Grip website; www.dontloseyourgrip.chrisselle.com.

Much love and many thanks to you. Check out the DLYG site for an update in a few hours regarding the exciting news we’ve been keeping you guys in suspense for!

Chrisselle.

Day Three – Welcome To My Silly Life

I thought this post could be a little insight into my life, and let you guys know who inspired me to become the person I am today. It’s more a list than a blog I guess, but hopefully it’ll let you guys into my mind a little more than some of the other posts I’ve put up for you guys.

These people are listed in no particular order, because each of them have had an equal impact on my life.

P!nk (Alecia Beth Moore)

Everyone knows who P!nk is, she’s a huge artist, an incredible live performer an inspiring activist and a voice for those who can’t be heard. But to me? To me she’s so much more. I don’t think there’s one P!nk song that I can’t relate to, she’s such an incredible human being, never mind artist. She inspires me by the way she carries herself and how she deals with the media, and she also inspires me through her music. She’s the reason I’m still alive, and for that I will always be thankful to her.

Jacqueline Wilson

Jacqueline Wilson is a British author, her books were the first books to ever get me interested in reading, the first books to ever have an impact on my life and the books that inspired me to become a writer. She made being unique ‘okay’ and that definitely had a huge impact on my life during my preteen and early teen years. Even to this day she still inspires me.

Beth Ditto (The Gossip)

Beth Ditto is just one of those women that as soon as you hear her voice, or read an interview with her you realize that you don’t need to be considered ‘normal’ to fit in. She’s a huge inspiration to me, both because of her music and because of the person that she is. If she’s taught me anything it’s to never be afraid to say ‘fuck you’ to people that say you won’t be able to do something.

Hammy Havoc

Hammy Havoc is an incredible young man from Liverpool, UK. If you haven’t heard of him you must have been living under a rock. Hammy’s been in my life for just over a year now, and I couldn’t imagine a day without him. He’s the person that I go to when I need someone, but not only that, he’s the person that’s always there before I need someone. He knows how I’m feeling before he even asks. He inspires me to believe in myself, and that’s something I never thought anyone would be capable of. He inspires me every day just by breathing, and I hope that he knows that. You can’t know Hammy, without loving him. And me? Yeah, I love him with every piece of me. Thank you for saving my life every day.

Lorraine Mowatt (My mother)

Yeah, I’m guessing a lot of you are surprised by that. As much as my mom and I fight, I have a huge amount of respect for her. She raised four kids by herself and held two jobs down (at the same time). She’s supported each of us, and protected us to the best of her ability. She’s strong, and I wish I was even half as strong as her at times.

My Family

Yes, my family as a whole are in inspiration to me. We’ve been through some things that would tear a family apart at the seams, but somehow we’ve managed to hold on to each other and remain a strong family unit. Yeah sure, we may piss each other off, but I know that when it comes down to it I have a huge family support network that would help me out of any situation.

My Friends

My friends are probably some of the most inspiring people I have ever met. They’re the people that put what’s bothering them to the side to help me with my problems. The people that I know will always be there to help me up if I ever fall down. And the people that make life a whole lot easier.

You

By ‘you’ I mean exactly that, you reading this, whoever you are inspire me and have a huge impact on my life simply by reading what I have to say. You let me into your life just my listening to me. So thank you, for being a huge impact on someone’s life halfway across the world.

Well, hopefully this post has let you that little bit further into my life. I’d also like to say a huge thank you to everyone that’s mentioned. And to you for reading.

Much love and many thanks,
Chrisselle

I’m Willing To Take The Risk

Hey there guys, I just thought it was time for a catch up, both a personal and professional one, as there’s a lot going on right now and I’ve not really had the time to blog, or talk to many of you guys about it, so here’s my chance.

It’s 9AM on a Tuesday morning, I’m sitting in bed talking to Hammy and listening to Adele’s new album, 21, I’m in love with this album. It is seriously incredible! And on another plus note, as I’m sitting here.. I’m completely and blissfully happy.

Now, that could be to do with the fact that I have chocolate for breakfast, or the fact that it’s ridiculously sunny outside considering it’s the 1st of March, or it could even be the fact that it’s a new month, and a new start. Either way, all I know is that nothing could dent my mood right now.

Yesterday Hammy and I went for a day out to West Kirby, I’ve been wanting to get some shots of The Wirral for a while now, and for once I’m actually proud of the shots I did get, I shall upload them later on today for you guys to have a peek at, but in the meantime you can have a look at some of them on my Facebook.

While I was writing this blog I got bad news and couldn’t find the creative spark to write with again, many apologies and here I am finally posting it ten days later!

Okay, so as you guys know I’ve been in Liverpool for the past month; I go home tomorrow, and honestly, I’m already feeling homesick for here! I wish that I could have everyone I love in the place that I love, so if you guys in Livingston ever feel the urge to move to Liverpool with me, feel free!

But yeah, on a more serious note, I honestly feel so much more like me in Liverpool for some strange reason. Maybe it’s because I’m away from home with no parents trying to tell me what to do and what not to do, or maybe it’s simply because I feel more grown up, and therefore more like the person I want to be. Maybe it’s because I’ve only got a few ties here, and no-one else really knows me. I’m not sure, maybe I just feel more like me when I’m in a town that reminds me of where I grew up and had so many happy memories.

I’ve recently been working on Don’t Lose Your Grip, as may of you know, it’s a summer project that I’m planning to do in July, involving a fashion show and a charity concert. All of the money that we raise will be going to suicide and eating disorder helplines. Both of these causes are ridiculously close to my heart, having lost a friend and a family member both to suicide. People need to realize that there is plenty of help out there, and that’s the aim of our project, to make people believe in humanity again, and to remember that we’re simply one species trying to survive. You can find Don’t Lose Your Grip on Twitter & Facebook, you can also check out a recent interview I done with Previous Magazine.

Right now though, I’m in such a hurry to pack and get ready,  and I’ve got SO much more to tell you guys, but it’ll have to wait until I’m back on Scottish soil!

Much love and many thanks!
Chrisselle.

 

I Guess I’ll Always Be My Daddy’s Girl

Today has been a stressful day, actually, for some reason I’ve been really stressed the past few days. But, today I visited my father with my older sister Fiona. When we arrived he happened to be watching one of my favourite TV shows ‘8 Simple Rules (For Dating My Teenage Daughter)’ If you watched the show you’ll know that the role of the father was played by John Ritter, following Ritter’s death in 2003, ABC announced that they show would incorporate the death of Ritter’s character. The episodes that follow the one in which it is revealed that Paul has died are some of the most heart touching episodes of any TV show that I have ever seen. The episode ‘Daddy’s Girl’ (Season 2, Episode 16) was the one that happened to be airing. In this episode it focuses on the relationship between Cate (Katey Sagal) and her father Jim (James Garner). The family therapist tells Cate to pursue her dream of singing in front of a live audience, or as he puts it ‘her skydiving.’ The episode ends with Cate singing ‘Daddy’s Girl’ at a local bar whilst the whole family gathers to watch her perform, and at that moment you can see just how proud Jim is of her.

The reason this episode means so much to me, is the fact that I can relate to Cate’s relationship with her father so much. They have so much love for each other, but rarely actually show it. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, yet I’m a teenage daughter so I’m usually whining about how my dad still treats me like a little girl. The thing is, I’m the youngest of twelve children; Of course my dad is still going to see me as is little girl, I’ll always be his little girl.

Recently I’ve been worried about my dad’s health, and it kind of knocked some sense into me. That man may be the person that doesn’t want me to move or the person that complains if I wear too much make-up or dye my hair a bright colour. But that man is one of the reasons I am who I am today. Without his influence I don’t know who I would be.

He will always be the person that I’ll turn to when I can’t cope with anything, because I know that he won’t judge me. I’ve made some mistakes in my life, one of the biggest ones is not showing my father just how much he means to me more often.

My mother and father divorced when I was 7 years old. Unlike my siblings, I was the one that stayed up half of the night crying, or couldn’t speak to my dad on the phone without choking up. Now you’re probably thinking “Of course, you were seven and you obviously missed your father.” But no, it wasn’t just that. I was scared, I didn’t want him to be alone, I didn’t want him to hurt. It teared me apart saying goodbye to him when he would leave after visiting us at the weekend. But, twelve years on I know it was for the best.

My father is the person that taught me about animals, he’s the man who would be lying on the floor flicking through a wildlife magazine and wouldn’t mind a five year old me wondering over and sitting on his back looking at it with him. He’s the man that I would cuddle up on his chair with and watch the news. He’s the man that picked me up every day from school with a surprise of some kind, whether it be a candy bar, a cake or a toy or magazine that I’d been talking about. He’s the man that even after I’d grown out of watching Mopatop’s Shop, would still watch it just to be reminded of the times I sat silently in front of the TV and laughed along with him to it. He’s the man that will always mean the absolute world to me, and if I do one important thing this year it will be to make sure he knows it.

I know that this is obviously a personal post, but I guess all I’m saying is this; You only get one set of parents, as a teenager you may think that they don’t support you, or that they don’t care.. But they do. Trust me, they do. They only want you to be happy. You think being a teenager is scary for you? Think about what it’s like for them. The person that once relied upon them for everything is doing it on their own. They’re just as scared as you, if not more so. They’ve been there, they’ve dealt with the heartbreak and the complete confusion that is ’growing up’. So why don’t you stop what you’re doing for a moment and just go let them know you love them. Whether it be an ’I love you’, a hug or even just a smile to show them that you’re happy that they’re in your life, let them know that you appreciate everything they’ve done for you throughout.

I’m nineteen, and I’m proud to say that the one thing I’d love right now would be to curl up with my dad and watch some TV. I’m a daddy’s girl, always have been, always will be. That’s just something that will never, ever change.

Much love and many thanks for reading.
Chrisselle.

Life’s A Playground

So, I said that there would be letters popping up now and then. Well, this is one of those moments.
This letter is for Miss Jenni Imrie, soon to be Jenni Mowatt. Jenni is my sister-in-law, but she’s more like a sister to me.

Hello pretty lady.

It feels strange writing to you.. I’m so used to just texting you “Oh, it’s a long story I’ll tell you when I come down.” and then coming down and chilling out for the night while we gossip, more than likely get drunk, and have so many laughs that it hurts.

Jenni, I honestly don’t think you know half of who you are. Do you know why? Because you’re incredible. You’re such an amazing person. You’ve always been there for me, no matter what. Even if it was as simple as “My mum’s annoying me,” You make me feel safe. You’re like a big sister to me, and you always will be no matter what happens, and no matter how many miles away I am.

I’m having so my much fun here, and I’ve honestly not been this happy in forever. You’d love it here, it’s so pretty.

I miss you, Scott and the girls. Heck, I miss everyone. But I’m doing something for me, and it feels good. I couldn’t have done it without you because you supported me through everything and I can’t thank you enough for it.

You’re an inspiration to be honest. You’re such an incredible mother, partner, sister, aunt and daughter. The people that have you in their lives are lucky to have you and they should know it. I know I do. I’m so thankful to have you because you’re one of the reasons I can still breathe. You make things seem safe.

I want to thank you for helping me have an incredible birthday. I loved my night out, and our little night out to the reading. It made me really happy, and the reading you got me as a gift was one of the best things that’s happened this year.

One day we’re going to have everything, and no-one’s going to interfere with our happiness. Why? Because we deserve it.

I love you, never forget that.

Love,
Chrisselle.♥

I’m not too sure how many letters I’ve written, but I know I have so many more to write. So if you’re wondering why you haven’t had yours yet, it’s because I’ve been busy. But don’t worry. You’ll get it some day soon!

Right now I’m happier than I’ve been in as long as I can remember. It’s as if everything’s finally coming together.

Oh! Before I forget, I got an exclusive look at some Hordasken goodness today and all I have to say is WOW, you guys are going to be super pleased, so I hope you’re super excited! Keep your eyes peeled for the single and album. And don’t forget to check out the official siteTwitter, and Facebook!

Much love and thanks for reading!
Chrisselle.

Take Me All The Way

So, guess what? I never got to Liverpool today or yesterday and although it may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you, it was a huge deal to me. This is the only thing that had started to go right for me in a while, and well, I guess it’s just kind of the last straw. I think I’m a pretty strong person, but then again, I have my weak moments too. And sometimes, sometimes life just gets to a point where you don’t know which direction it’s heading in.

I was originally planning on writing an extremely honest blog tonight, about the things that have been going through my head. But I think it would be too much to post publicly and more than  likely, scare, worry or make people mad at me.  So what am I going to blog about instead? I’m going to blog about the girl typing this, I’m going to give you all a little sneak peak at the world of Chrisselle.

If you’ve read my ‘About’ and ‘Biography’ sections of the site then you’ll know pretty much everything already. But in this blog I’m going to be brutally honest. Include every little detail, minus the one’s that will scare you off.

I’m Chrisselle, to me I’ve never been and never will be anything that magnificent. Some people say that I’m big-headed and I honestly don’t know where they get it from, I give as much as I possibly can, and I try my hardest. I have a short temper, but I can usually hide it relatively well. I’ve got used to just breathing and patching on a smile the majority of the time. I’m impatient and I dislike being spoke down to. When I get angry it can take me forever to calm down, and my mind goes blank of anything else other than the person or situation I’m mad at. If I’m quiet it means I’m either cold, sleepy, angry or down.. or I simply don’t have anything interesting to say.

I’m all over the place all of the time. My mind is constantly thinking about something I wish it wouldn’t think about, while my heart’s just telling me to forget it and just be happy. Even sometimes I’ll be happy and then I’ll feel guilty for being happy. I think that’s one of the most horrible feelings; Feeling guilty for being happy. Should I be happy and forget about everything and deal with the guilt of it? Or just pretend to be happy whilst tearing myself apart on the inside?

Now you all think I’m mad, don’t you? Well, I’m being me. A lot of people should try it now and then, you know, being themselves? I hate when people change who they are to fit in, I hate when people are different around different people. But, I’m just being a hypocrite really, because I do all of that, I’ve spent my life changing who I am just to feel accepted. I’m tired of pretending to be someone just to fit in with people. At the end of the day, take me as I am or not at all.

I’m annoying, frustrating, and I will more than likely get on your nerves more times than you could count. But, when I say sorry, I mean it. When I say I love you, I mean it.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. That’s another annoying thing about me; I lose my train of thought far too easily. I can be having a really serious conversation with someone and then boom, I lose my train of thought. It’s frustrating.

I annoy myself too much, like even writing this is annoying me. I mean who am I to take up your time whilst I whine about me? What is it going to accomplish? I hear you say nothing, but this is where you’re wrong. I’m hoping that this will clear my head of some bullshit and make me be able to focus on the positives.

I have a lot of positive things in my life. I have family and friends who love me for the person I am, even if I hate that person. They’re the people that are there for me one way or another, no matter what. They’re the people that make it okay, the one’s that make life not so hard. But when it feels like the world is against you, you forget about them. You forget that when they give you advice, they’re only trying to help, that they’re not actually telling you what to do, only advising you. And sure, the advice you receive isn’t always the advice you hoped for, but in the end they’re just trying their best.

The weekend ahead is going to be tough for me, it’s my Gran’s birthday tomorrow. and the anniversary of the death of my sister’s baby on Monday. I expected to be away from here by now, to the place where I’m happy. But I’m not, and the added stress of that has just pushed it. I don’t know how I’m going to cope this weekend at all. I know my friends are there for me, but at the end of the day, talking isn’t going to bring them back, but me falling apart isn’t going to either.

I know this blog looks like a cry for attention, but it really isn’t. It’s just me getting things off of my chest. Why don’t I just speak to someone? Because this way I’m not putting it all on the shoulders of another and I hate feeling like a burden.

So yeah. Hey there, I’m Chrisselle. I’m nineteen. I live in Livingston, Scotland, although I wish I lived in Liverpool, UK. I write blogs, take photo’s and like to write the occasional song. I try to help people as much as I can, even if I don’t know them too well. I’m sarcastic, annoying and I think too much. I over-analyze everything. I have trust issues, I have very little self confidence. I annoy myself more than you could imagine. I hate my body with a passion. I like video games and 90′s TV shows. I adore music, it keeps me sane. Alecia Beth Moore has saved my life more times than I can count. My favourite colours are pink, orange and blue. I like vintage patterns. Black and white photos make me happy. My nieces and nephews mean the world to me. I’m a complete daddy’s girl, but my mum means the world to me too. I have eleven brothers and sisters but only get on with two of them. My grandmother was my first best friend. I love spending time with family, even if it’s as simple as all getting together and watching a movie. I have amazing friends and family, any of which I’d take a bullet for. I can’t stand racism, ageism or homophobia. I use the phrases “LOL” “And I was like…” “Cool story bro’” “That’s what she said” “Sweet!” “Indeed” & “Lemme just…” far too much. I have a tattoo on my left wrist that says Sabhàilte, it means rescued or safe in Gaelic. I love the feeling of being tattooed as I find it a little relaxing. I hate people that stereotype teenagers, when these days the majority of intelligent, caring and respectable people I know are teenagers. Stereotypes in general make my head hurt. I’m Scottish, but I’m not your average scot, I’m probably the most unpatriotic person you’ll ever meet; At the end of the day it’s just some mud and rocks, it shouldn’t define who you are or what you stand for. I ramble on too much, like right now, I’m rambling. Anyway, it’s nice to meet you… Sorry, I didn’t quite catch your name, what was it again? Oh yeah, I’m forgetful and clumsy too.

I don’t really have much else to say, other than I want to thank my family and friends for everything that they do for me. I don’t feel that I show how much I appreciate them enough, so I just want them to know that they mean the world to me and that I love each of them with all my heart.

Also, if you get the chance you should take a sneak at the recent exclusive interview with frontman of Hordasken, Hammy Havoc! You can find the full interview here. Also, why don’t you keep up to date with the latest news on Hordasken, by following Hammy himself on Twitter or by checking out Hordasken.Com.

Finally, many thanks to you for reading. I’m sorry if I bored you!
Much love,

Chrisselle.

Welcome To My Life

Hey there guys. So I’ve been absent the past couple of days because of personal things, so I thought it was time to update you all on my life. The past four posts have been letters so I thought it was time for a personal entry. Also, I know I said I’d be writing a letter every day for seven days, but I’ve decided to just write them at random from now on so you can expect a few letters popping up here and then.

Well, it’s Sunday today, and I have hardly anything to do so I thought I might work on some lyrics seeing as I’ve not really wrote lately. I’ll be writing a song with Hammy Havoc of Hordasken soon, I’m really excited about this. I’d say that Hammy is definitely one of my lyrical, I guess you could say, role models? He writes so honestly and I love it. So yehp pretty excited about that!

I spent last night with my friends Taylor, Claire, Jamie, Kirsten & Scott. We were out to see our towns Christmas lights get switched on. It was so good to just be ourselves and chill. We watched some fireworks, grabbed some food, but more importantly, laughed so much that it hurt. It’s days like that, that make me realise just how lucky I am to have the people that I do.

I have people that are always there no matter the time, just for a conversation about anything. They make it worthwhile and I love them for it. They have no idea just how amazing they are. And I’m not just talking about the people I spent last night with. I’m talk about every single person in my life. Even you that’s reading this. This could be your first visit to my blog, but you’re still a wonderful person. You took the time out of your own life to see what was going on in mine, and for that I’m thankful.

I know I’ve said this before, but it’s time for me to stop letting things get to me. I’m always down this time of year because my Gran is no longer with us. But I know exactly what she would say if she was here, she’d tell me to cheer up and smile because she was such a happy person. She was a breath of fresh air to anyone she met. I don’t think there was one human being on this planet that didn’t like my grandmother. She was so loving and caring. And I guess, I want to be just like her. She was my best friend, and she’s still the person I turn to when all hope has left me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t let the bad outweigh the good in your life. There’s so many people that love you and the only thing they want is for you to be happy. Always remember that it could be so much worse. Sometimes life gives us something that we think is impossible, just to prove to us that we’re not as weak as we once thought. You’re stronger than you realise. How do I know? Well, you’re still breathing, and that’s an accomplishment in itself.

Thanks for reading and much love,
Chrisselle.

Remember, Remember The 5th Of November

November,  it’s the first month after British summer time ends. It’s the month that we set off fireworks in celebration of a man who tried to blow up the houses of parliament being murdered. It’s the month where a little bear called Pudsey raises money for kids that are in need. It’s the month where we have a minute silence to remember those that fought for us. But for me? For me November is a constant reminder of the month my Gran got diagnosed with a life threatening illness. It’s a reminder that life is short, and that anything you have can be taken away from you, just like that. It’s one of the hardest months for me. Yet, it’s one that I plan to make the most of.

There’s no-one that could ever possibly take my Grandmothers place. She was beautiful, inside and out and she was the most adorable woman I’ve ever met. Every weekend we would go and stay at her and my grandfathers place for the entire weekend and as soon as we arrived she would have a spread of sandwiches, biscuits, cakes etc. laid out for us. Not only that, she would have a lovely three course, homemade meal waiting in the oven to be served. She never let anyone go hungry. She was one of those lovely adorable old women that you see, y’know the ones that you know have a huge family that love her to pieces. My grandmother was my first ever best friend. She was my best friend until I was seven, which is when she sadly passed away after trying to fight off the horrible illness that is cancer. She was diagnosed in the November of 1998 and died shortly after. My mother and I stayed with her to help her out a little, and I’ll never forget that week or two that I spent with her. She ended up dying of a heart attack, minutes before it happened she told my grandfather to remember and call this person and that person, so she knew she was leaving us. She died in her living room, in me, my mother, and my grandfathers arms. It’s one of those things that I’ll never forget, and I can still see it clear as day in my mind.

Every November is hard for me, not only do I have this on my mind but I also have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)  which means my mood is affected by the weather. So if my mood is all over the place recently, I’m sorry. But I honestly can’t help it. I’ve dealt with the same thing for twelve years now, it’s anything but easy. If I could be happy all the time, trust me I would be. And I know that that’s what my gran would want me to be, but sometimes it just isn’t possible.

Recently it’s been really hard. I’ve been doing what I usually do, taking it out on myself. I’ve been waking up and finding something new to hate about myself. Right now? It’s my legs, tummy and actually, it’s my entire body. Like, I want to wake up in a completely different body. I want to wake up as me, but in a body that I don’t feel sick when I look at. It sounds like every other girl out there, but you cannot fathom just how much I dislike my looks. Like just talking about it makes me want to sleep for a few weeks.

They say it gets easier. It doesn’t. You don’t forget the pain, instead? Instead you learn to deal with it. You learn to cope with the crushing feeling in your heart, the sinking feeling in your stomach. The feeling that you’re going to burst into tears at any moment. Yeah, it becomes part of your daily routine, and you manage to be happy, to smile, to laugh to enjoy life. But you never, ever forget how it feels to lose that someone who meant, and still does mean the world to you. I was seven years old, my gran was my world. I lost her.

If anything the thing that gets me through is her memory, and how happy she made everyday spent with her. And that’s the thing I live by now. Instead of just living, why don’t you make an impact. Make an impact in someone’s life. And you may be sitting there thinking “I’m nothing that spectacular, how can I make an impact in someone’s life without being extraordinary?” I’ll tell you how.

You can make  a huge impact in someone’s life just by being you. All you have to do is be the person that they love you for. A simple “How’re you?” can make someone’s day. Smiling at a stranger could make them have a positive outlook on a day that was heading downhill. You never know just how much of an impact something you say or do can have on someone else.

A simple few words can make or break someone’s day. A look, can make someone feel like a million dollars, or like the dirt on your shoe. It’s simple. Every single person to walk this earth has an impact on someone, make yours count.

Much love, and many thanks for reading.
Chrisselle.